These were the words I read on a Post-it note that was placed on a chart I had put up in the room I was team coaching in. I was working with a leadership team that had been tasked with growing the business from 4 billion to 10 billion dollars. Big job to do!

We were working on increasing comfort with openness and honesty, and I had posed the question ‘What is causing you anxiety or concern’? Rather than just asking people to answer this verbally in front of everyone, people could write their answer on a Post-it and put it on the chart.

I saw this note and asked the leader (she had obviously been the one who wrote it) if I could talk about that with the group. She responded, “That’s exactly why I put it there”. The team sat back down after placing their notes and I asked “What do we think of this one – am I the right leader?”

Although everyone had read the note, you could feel the uncertainty and trepidation when this was raised in front of everyone. They all knew who had written it, but no one wanted to speak. Eye contact was averted, and there was an almost perceptible shifting in their seats. It was uncomfortable, but I knew that the leader was willing to speak.

“Yeah, I wrote that one,” she began, “because sometimes I doubt myself”. She went on to articulate the kind of things that everyone feels at some point – questioning our ability, feeling impostor syndrome, being uncertain, do I have the right stuff, what if I fail – all completely normal, rational, and acceptable things – but not the kind of thing a strong, confident leader traditionally ‘should’ feel comfortable to admit to their subordinates – especially so openly.

I use the word ‘traditionally’ here with emphasis. Leaders have always laboured under the misapprehension that vulnerability is weakness. They are expected to be strong, confident, have all the answers, not be weak. The leader in my coaching room was going against all the training and expectation of a leader in her position. This must have been difficult for her. She probably thought it was risky. And yet the result proved the actual truth – that vulnerability is a leader’s greatest superpower.

As she spoke and laid her true thoughts and feelings out there for all to judge, the response was electric. It was like the collective breath of the team was being held, as the whole team paid acute attention to every word she said. When she finished, they began offering their support, their belief in her, that they were so pleased she was so honest as they felt the same way. 

The Counterintuitive Nature of Vulnerability

Human beings are hard wired to belong together in groups. It was a key to our survival. And part of that has always been an acceptance of vulnerability, and the need to help each other. We have brainwashed our leaders and teams to see vulnerability as weakness. However, the opposite is true. Brene Brown says “Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous… vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness”. 

I see the hesitation and fear in people’s eyes when you request more vulnerability as a coach. And yet, when they are courageous enough to give it a go, the results can be transformational. For this team that I was working with, their leader’s vulnerable moment was a turning point. It brought them together in a way that superficial conversations about the work that they had to do just wouldn’t. All the fear around vulnerability became groundless. 

‘I Thought I Was the Only One’

We are often afraid of expressing ourselves openly and honestly because we fear that we are the only one thinking a particular way – especially if our thoughts and feelings might be vulnerable. Another aspect of human nature that I see in the coaching room with vulnerability is how better people feel when they find that they aren’t the only ones thinking or feeling a particular way. 

Once we are able to express it and share it, there’s tremendous comfort if we find out that we are not alone with those thoughts and feelings. ‘Phew, I feel so much better knowing I am not the only one thinking that’. There’s truth in the old adage ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’!

The Leader’s Role with Vulnerability.

Leaders are responsible for 70% of a team’s climate, and a team’s climate is responsible for 70% of the team’s performance. It’s absolutely vital that the leader helps to create comfort with openness and vulnerability. People are looking to them for guidance, role modelling, and decisions, and creating a team climate and atmosphere that embraces vulnerability will be a huge help. This may not be easy and can take time to build trust in – but take it one step at a time. The leader will need to model this behaviour and be prepared to lead by example. 

From there, creating an expectation and guidance around how the team responds to each other’s vulnerability is important. Making sure the vulnerable are protected and not laughed at, that they are supported, will help the team grow stronger and more together.

If you are curious about how I can help your team become more comfortable with vulnerability, please get in touch!